I accept the consequences of my actions. I can not place blame nor fault on anyone but myself. No matter the circumstances, we all have a choice. I had a choice. A mighty little word with only two letters, NO. God gave me opportunities and I chose. Therefore, I accept the consequences of my actions.
James 1: 13-15 says "When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. "
John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
Life is a game with no timeouts. You may sit on the sidelines but the game continues to play around you. One morning, you wake up wondering how did I get here? Only to find that over the years, months or days, you have strategically been set up, bamboozled, hoodwinked, run amok! Yeah I quoted Malcolm X lol. When the truth of the matter is I lost focus and I have to accept my role in all of this.
As much as I want to point fingers and have a pity party for myself, I wont. I am thankful. This entire ordeal has been HARD. But if it had not been for it, I could have been lost. The thief came. He stole, destroyed and tried to kill me but he did not succeed.
I am alive. I believe. I am redeemed. Because of all of this, I love life. I really appreciate life. I was able to vote in a historical election, when I could have been in jail. I was able to host 120 teenagers in my home and even with the vomit in my bed from a drunk teenager, I was able to be there.
My arrest, then especially her arrest woke me up from the walking zombie I had become. I was an empty shell. Faking it to all those around me. But not anymore.
I had lived my life trying to please everyone. Be the best daughter, granddaughter, student, friend, mother, and wife I could be. I lived pleasing everyone else instead of focusing on the only person that mattered, God. I lived my life as a label. I lived my life trying to live up to the words and ideas of others. But I am not a label. I am what God created me to be. "Words do not define me, they do not define you. Words are just labels designed to box us in and keep us from becoming more than we ever thought we could be. From this day forward I will live outside the box. I have removed the label and will let only God define me." I made a mistake. I am no better nor any worse than anyone else. Those who love me unconditionally will still be here to support me. Those who judge me well they were not meant to be in my life. I know some will not be able to accept what I have done. It saddens me to lose them as family/friends but it is what it is.
My life completely shattered on 10/30/2008 and from the rubble, the true woman God created is emerging. Words do not define me, only God defines me.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Catch up - God smiled
Yesterday, February 24th, I had to call and check the results of my drug test. I left a message and anxious awaited a call back. When she called, I knew from the tone in her voice things had changed. God smiled on me and I wanted to shout for small miracles.
She told me I was accepted for electronic monitoring. I would not have to obtain a land line, she would use my cell phone. I just have to keep it on me at all times. I would be able to work in San Rafael, they would equip me with a gps unit. I did not have to drive to Roseville, I only had to go to Martinez to obtain my bracelet. She went from I cant do, I might not be able to do to they approve and will allow. She was kind. She went over a list of items that I needed to present to her and stated basically they need to know where I am 24 hours a day. I am to report 9am, March 11th.
I hung up, looked at the sky and thanked God for smiling on me.
She told me I was accepted for electronic monitoring. I would not have to obtain a land line, she would use my cell phone. I just have to keep it on me at all times. I would be able to work in San Rafael, they would equip me with a gps unit. I did not have to drive to Roseville, I only had to go to Martinez to obtain my bracelet. She went from I cant do, I might not be able to do to they approve and will allow. She was kind. She went over a list of items that I needed to present to her and stated basically they need to know where I am 24 hours a day. I am to report 9am, March 11th.
I hung up, looked at the sky and thanked God for smiling on me.
Catch up - Humiliation
On February 19, I had to apply for electronic monitoring. Funny, I usually apply for something I want. But not in this case and I was late. I was supposed to arrive at 8:15am but with traffic and dropping my son off to school I arrived at 8:26am. The supervisor requested I arrive 45 minutes prior to our 9am appointment so I would have time to complete the paperwork required. So I am thinking, I will bust this out in 30 minutes and actually still be on time for 9am. WRONG. She was pissed. After she put me in check, she took the case after me and made me wait. First lesson learned, do not ever be late.
She reviewed my paperwork and gruffly told me if I was accepted I would have to pay upfront each week for the monitoring. I had to get a land line that had nothing on it, no call waiting, caller id, voicemail, nothing. I was to remove all alcohol from the house including Nyquil. I might not be able to work in San Rafael due to the budget cuts and I may have to drive to Roseville first and then back to Martinez regarding my bracelet.
I then had to explain what I did and why I was in this situation. After which she directly informed me how ridiculous it sounded. This interview was not going well at all. Without knowing the details, she pointed out ways my trust was earned so I would be easy prey.
She informed me of the list of paper work I still needed to bring in and lead me down the hall to take a drug test. If I thought sitting through all the different court sessions cured me of never ever wanting to be in the legal system again, I was wrong. For when she closed the bathroom door behind her and I had to pee in a cup in front of a complete stranger that took me to a new definition of humiliation. Thankfully I had worn a long dress that I could maintain some privacy.
When I handed her the evidence, it was then that her hard shell cracked just a little. She bluntly told me that I needed to get my head out the bubble. The world was full of evil people and I was an easy mark. She told me I could not continue being as naive as I have been. Being slapped with the truth, was a pill I had already swallowed. She was right.
I left her office on the brink of tears. This was not how I was raised. This was definitely not where I ever thought I would be. I drove to a safe place, thank you Boo, and broke down and cried.
She reviewed my paperwork and gruffly told me if I was accepted I would have to pay upfront each week for the monitoring. I had to get a land line that had nothing on it, no call waiting, caller id, voicemail, nothing. I was to remove all alcohol from the house including Nyquil. I might not be able to work in San Rafael due to the budget cuts and I may have to drive to Roseville first and then back to Martinez regarding my bracelet.
I then had to explain what I did and why I was in this situation. After which she directly informed me how ridiculous it sounded. This interview was not going well at all. Without knowing the details, she pointed out ways my trust was earned so I would be easy prey.
She informed me of the list of paper work I still needed to bring in and lead me down the hall to take a drug test. If I thought sitting through all the different court sessions cured me of never ever wanting to be in the legal system again, I was wrong. For when she closed the bathroom door behind her and I had to pee in a cup in front of a complete stranger that took me to a new definition of humiliation. Thankfully I had worn a long dress that I could maintain some privacy.
When I handed her the evidence, it was then that her hard shell cracked just a little. She bluntly told me that I needed to get my head out the bubble. The world was full of evil people and I was an easy mark. She told me I could not continue being as naive as I have been. Being slapped with the truth, was a pill I had already swallowed. She was right.
I left her office on the brink of tears. This was not how I was raised. This was definitely not where I ever thought I would be. I drove to a safe place, thank you Boo, and broke down and cried.
Prologue
Today is February 25, 2010.
On March 11, 2010 I will begin serving a 90 day house arrest. Being confined to one area for an extended period of time is a daunting task. Especially for me, for I really like to go when I want to, stay if I wanna. Freedom is a luxury that I took for granted and now see as a very precious commodity.
I would not have made it through the past two years without the love and support of friends and family. As I begin this journey, my goal is to use the time to solidify the woman I have become. During this time, I decided to blog. I commit to blog at least once a day. I commit to be honest on how I am feeling. This blog will be open for family and friends to read. It is a way for you to keep an eye on me as I begin ninety to zero.
On March 11, 2010 I will begin serving a 90 day house arrest. Being confined to one area for an extended period of time is a daunting task. Especially for me, for I really like to go when I want to, stay if I wanna. Freedom is a luxury that I took for granted and now see as a very precious commodity.
I would not have made it through the past two years without the love and support of friends and family. As I begin this journey, my goal is to use the time to solidify the woman I have become. During this time, I decided to blog. I commit to blog at least once a day. I commit to be honest on how I am feeling. This blog will be open for family and friends to read. It is a way for you to keep an eye on me as I begin ninety to zero.
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